Monday, March 5, 2007

A Letter to My Beloved G.M.:

Dear Ken,

Let me just start out by saying, thanks again for 2005. Really enjoyed it. Exponentially.

And while I’m still giving you the, “25 year consolation period until I start really getting pissed about not perennially making the playoffs” I’ve got a couple of questions I’d like to lob at you.
Trading Brandon McCarthy? Really? What did he do? We had him under his original contract for the next 5 seasons. He still had 2 options left for minor league assignment. He was actually putting on weight, taking the gangly off and adding some mass. Did he bugger Olney Guillen in the showers? Was he waving off Man Soo Lee in the bullpen? What was it? Because as far as I can see, we got 2 “could-be high ceiling guys” from the Rangers for a major league ready starting pitcher. Coupled with the trade of Freddie Garcia (which I totally understand) couldn’t we have at least raised the leagues perception of Brandon and thus raising his trade value by having him as our #5 this season? Now we’re stuck with a crap shoot of possibilities to fill in a HUGE void at the 5th spot.

Not to mention that Jose “Satchel Paige” Contreras is a stiff wind away from blowing out candles on his 50th birthday cake and Javier “3rd time around the batting order and it’s tee-ball” Vasquez are hanging on by teeny tiny threads, I’d like to ask, WHAT ARE YOU DOING???

I understand that you’re trying to get ahead of the curve of exorbitantly ridiculous free agent pitching contracts. And maybe, just maybe, you’re going to roll out the Brinks Truck for Mark “I’ve got an Ozzie Smith jersey on under my Sox gear” Buehrle. I comprehend that you’re looking at the next 3 to 5 years and not just this season. BUT COME ON, KENNY!!!!

I’m not totally upset about losing Brandon McCarthy. I’m just upset about what it represents. Did you completely forget about the 2004 season? We had incredible bats; Magglio Ordonez, Carlos Lee, Paulie K, Joe Crede. And our #5 starters were a combined 3-30something. Scott Schoneweiss, Esteban Loaiza, Felix Diaz, Arnie Munoz, Neal Cotts. It was a revolving door of mediocrity. Not even The Magic Man Don F’n Cooper could get these guys pitching. And what happened? We were .500. No playoffs. Golfing in October.

You see, Kenny, it’s your fault. You brought me a World Series Trophy, and now I’m greedy. We won 90 games last year, and didn’t make the playoffs. 90 games. We finished behind the Twins and the Tigers, in our own division. Now we’re giving the Tribe another year to regroup, and you don’t think that they won’t be breathing down our necks as well? Let me answer that for you, they will be.

(On a positive note, Darin Erstad was a fantastic pick-up for utility outfielder and all around hustler. I dig that move. I get it. Grinders. Yeah, yeah, yeah.)

The pitching, Kenny. The pitching. Why have you forsaken me?

I know you have a plan. I understand your plan. I want to like your plan. But if winning ballgames equates to attendance*, and attendance dictates payroll, then my question simply is, WTF?

OK, I got that all off my chest. Again I’d like to say, thanks for 2005. I watch the Championship DVD’s religiously at least once a month. And I still tear up as Geoff Blum is hitting his extra inning HR in Houston.

Spoil me again, Ken. I won’t mind. And neither will your massing legion of Sox fans.
Just do me a favor…don’t ship Jon Garland off for a bag of magic beans. Please.

Thanks for listening,

Ivan Calderon

* denotes the phenomenon of a perennial sub .500 team on the north side of Chicago that packs em in daily for sub par games


Phil said...

Ivan, I always wondered what happened to you.

Anonymous said...

Second rate commentary from a second rate fan of the second rate team in the second city. Fourth place.

Crow Magnum said...

That sounds like Yankee fan talk, or at the very least, Red Sox. Go on and get 'em Murr...

Anonymous said...

hey anonymous!
first of all, i wanted to say thanks for taking an active part in the blog! your poignant and completely constructive criticism is always welcome here!
it always amazes me when someone of your stature in the blogging world can come down off of your very tall perch, of blogging, and bestrew your vast sports knowledge to us underlings, in a blog. also, your clever use of the word “second” 4 times in one sentence was a real comic gem! garrison keeler, beware! there’s a new hubris filled literary sheriff in town, and his name is…oh yeah, you posted as anonymous!! GENIUS!!!
you thwarted us again, anonymous! the 2nd city will never know how much of a better thing you are than us!!!
gratefully yours,
your mom
p.s. fuck the yankees, the knicks, the liberty and any other team you root for.

Phil said...

Anonymous - Fourth rate comment from a fifth rate wit with a sixth rate knowledge of sports.

Phil said...

My guess, anonymous is a Cardinals fan.

Anonymous said...

i think Ivan Calderon died to tell you the truth, so this article truly has a lot of passion
Jolly Fingers

james said...

It's anonymous, the jagbag! (apologies to pappy)
I'm thinking he's really a Twins fan. How's Liriano doing these days?

Crow Magnum said...

If it were a Cardinal fan I think it may have gone like this, "If'n ya'll think youse is better than them Worl Champeeun Cardinals, ya'll ain't got no more sense than The Almighty done give a the commun billy goat."

And I should know, I grew up with those people.

Kidding, we all know that Cards fans are some of the best and brightest that the world of sports fandom have to offer, but then again, alot of them are hillfolk... like my family.