Saturday, January 6, 2007

Who Knighted This Jerk?

In this edition of, "Did I Miss the Vote?" we take a look at the ongoing phenomenon that is, Chris Collinsworth. This douchebag is everywhere that is NFL. I wouldn't be surprised if he showed up on the Jumbo-tron at a Bears game doling out his advice on the pros and cons of Old Style.
I mean everywhere. Everyone in sports television that needs commentating or f'n NFL "know how" hires this cat. His agent must toss his salad...daily. And why? Why does every sports TV exec immediately want to write a check to this piece of monkey shit???
For christsake, he was a Bengal. For christsake!!!!
He almost makes me want to start liking Dan Dierdorf.

I had this huge list of smug things that he has said, things that he has pompously prognosticated, things that he has had the gall to say on national television...but fuck it, I'm just gonna keep ranting about this turd burglar.

Did anyone catch the NFL Network presentation last Thursday of Crappy Thursday Night Football? Collinsworthless and Bryant Gumbel were in a battle of Who's The Most Pretentious. With 3:42 left in the 3rd qrt, Sir Collinsorth of Shitheadsville, lets out a masterful belch and the Lombardian genius doesn't hit the mute on his mic. Brilliant, Chris. Masterful. Kill yourself.
He was also dressed like Dietre from Sprockets. Which made him look like the Rhodes Scholar of Dick Lickers.

Guy makes me want to puke.

I'm an NFL junkie and HE'S EVERYWHERE. I turn on HBO, BOOM, Collinsworth. I turn it on NBC, KABOOM, Collinsworth. NFL Network, KAPOW!, Chris Christ Almighty Collinsworth. How many paychecks can this guy cash?
Howie Long should've ended this guy years ago. Howie would've gone to jail, and I wouldn't have to be irate.

I'm gonna be first in line to vote this guy out of his presently kept office of, King Shit of Fuck Mountain for the NFL. For the pure unintentional comedic sake can't we please have, say, Deion Sanders in this pivotal position of ambivalence? At least Deion knows he's an idiot. And we can all laugh together. At Deion. Being an idiot.


Phil said...

I agree, he sucks. Plus, he's ageing rather strangely. I think he's gonna look like the emperor in a few years.

Anonymous said...

I have a hard time even taking Boomer seriously, and that guy took the Bengals to the Supebowl. Next time Collinsworth says something stupid they should send Icky Woods to knee cap cap him and shuffle over the wreckage.

Badcock said...

I agree whole-heartedly. I HATE Collinsworth, and he is fucking ubiquitous. Combining him with Bryant Gumbel was one of the most retch-inducing ideas in sports broadcasting history.

Deion Freaking Pee-on Sanders is not the answer. Plenty of former players and coaches know the pro game. NFL analysts are propped up by weak-kneed writers yet are always one step behind, swinging hard on the pendulum of anticipated public opinion.

I hate looking at that pencil-necked geek, I hate gawky white WRs, I hate Chris Collinsworth.

Chris Colon-worth, I shall dub him.